Let me tell you a story.
About a phone and a phone.
A brick phone and another brick phone.
Once upon a time, there was a phone, Thusi, big; blue all over, in color and grey on the sides, on the face.
He fell in love, real love, stupid love with a girl who was new on the scene, Nandi.
Nandi was pretty, light skinned, curvy with a ginormous behind but surprisingly light, with a waist of a wasp.
It was love at first kiss, it was one cold Saturday morning and the skies were threatening to let loose, it was all dark skies and angry winds up in Kololo. Days when the Kampala weather is bipolar, off medication and throwing tantrums. Thusi was in Kololo for the first time, he’d come to fix something small, he needed to swallow a pill, a pill that made him an extrovert, connect with others, make him have the confidence to talk to others. He was here for his service fee.
In came a lady, full of fancy color and a cool jacket. It was the jacket; he looked at the jacket and felt the bite of the coldness hit hard. But as she came closer, he looked at the boobs, typical of men, and at the pretty face down to the high heels and knew it was it. She was the one. She placed herself closer to desk 15, in the extreme corner via the VIP Only section.
He stared, and stared some more, she looked and caught him staring. It was a blank stare, probably that stare that leaves you picturing someone in the wedding gown and with the gown off later after the wedding night in a split second.
He was caught, staring, and staring is supposed to be rude, but she smiled, he melted, with a cold shiver down his spine. The coldness disappeared and he began perspiring on his brain. He couldn’t say a word, or swallow nothing, for two seconds he couldn’t breathe. He didn’t know what to do, but he smiled like a puppy, and collapsed, he powered off and couldn’t restart.
The shirt was removed and the battery too, but he couldn’t start. Nandi knelt down and CPR was applied, she put her full lips on his and her soft hands on his chest and gave that kiss, the kiss of life as he pressed the chest, nothing. Once, twice, thrice, nothing. A small crowd had gathered and some ladies behind had started crying, it was drab. Nandi didn’t give up, one more time, and another and another and Thusi was up, alive, breathing fit as a fiddle but confused. Everyone got relieved, someone had called 999 but 999 in this part of the world only came as an agent of the morgue, nothing more.
Relief in the air, Thusi thanked Nandi endlessly and asked if they could go to the near restaurant for some juice. She allowed, maybe because of pity for the big guy or because they had a lot in common. It was the juice and numbers exchanged and arrangements for more visits. It was love at first kiss. The kiss of life.
It was a kiss on the aisle, vows exchanged and a future together painted.
It became a perfect couple, they were both big and could keep supplies for weeks if not months depending on usage. •Nandi and Thusi were charge once and use forever. Battery never ran out.
•They were easy maintenance, they didn’t need fancy things like MBs. Things that cost a fortune and brought neither satisfaction nor happiness.
•They never over stared, over looked at everything that didn’t concern them, in fact they were see no evil, have no camera.
•They kept secrets, and had morals, didn’t keep immoral memories on them, let alone leak them. Nudes wasn’t something known to them
•Thusi and Nandi didn’t have lugambo, loose talk, they would never take a screenshot of your conversation, never.
•And they satisfied themselves in everything, see they both had big pins and the sex was intense and real.
•They were strong and wouldn’t cry over silly things, a fall was nothing, they didn’t want to know whether it rained or not, they’d move out and work.
•Most importantly they lived for long; they celebrated birthdays, ate cake, drank wine, blew candles and themselves and got tired.
Then they had kids, first the kids were skinny and with every kid they had, the size decreased. In stature, awesomeness and genitalia, everything. Small pins happened.
•The kids became fancier with a love for color and fancy head gears, they would slide here, flip there. They were the cool kids.
•They started developing environment capturing tendencies and would take and keep few memories, they got cameras.
•They also started talking too much, for long times and in faster tones, doctors called it an evolutionary trait called mp3.
•The cool kids started hanging out with other cool kids and other cool kids and had a secret way of doing it without leaving evidence, the parents wouldn’t know. So the parents couldn’t cast their nets to catch the misbehaving kids. The kids nicknamed it the Internet. As cool kids grew up, the parents started having more kids.
More kids, came in extra sizes. Thusi and Nandi couldn’t understand, their new kids were born big and would soon become obese with each kid.
•They became giants with big tummies and an insatiable appetite, they had to feed them MB formula in bundles and special packs. And they would want more and more, they called it updates, an the budget went up as a result.
•The big kids became better at everything their cool kids could do, they could do quite many tasks at the same time without even pausing one. They were perfect multi-taskers.
•The big kids were like big shiny silos, they could store the earth and the moon and all the stars. They had this trick they had, they kept most things on square sacks. And they came up with slang for them too. Data for the things kept and memory cards for the sacks, clever bastards.
•These new kids were super bright though and could compute impossible calculations, and solve many challenges, some could even develop their own body parts.
•See the big kids had many ways to connect, they’d chill at places like Wifi and Bluetooth and share everything. They shared everything apart from the lessons about humanity and morality.
•They became pimps and connected beings to imaginary wives and helped spread the left hand syndrome, many nasty things were made and they had no shame in leaking and sharing with everything, just to make trends. Nudes, tapes, conversations, everything.
• The big kids had bad manners, they’d find a stranger drowning in quicksand and take a memory to share with their friends for currency called likes and retweets, instead of saving a life first.
•They lived for notifications, they craved notifications, and they set standards for likes, sold their souls for retweets and lived a lie. Their life was an aggregate of many confusing but captivating words, they called it a blog.
No one understood the new big kids, not even their bigger kids, the tablets. But certainly everyone loved and lived for the big kids, for they were useful, handy. Sadly the big kids one sunday lost their parents Thusi and Nandi, they died together in their care home, and left quite the legacy.
That marks the end of my story.